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00:20 - Comma after you
02:37 - This line doesn't make sense - drop the "about" and the second "that"?
02:43 - Should this be a question?
02:59 - Comma not needed
03:02 - Do this line in italics? ^^'
04:15 - Perhaps add a "he" after the comma?
04:38 - I think this one can be cut at the scene change?
05:04 - Comma after "case" and change "to make" to "in making"?
05:11 - Add "that" after reason
05:17 - End it at the scene change
05:21 - Honestly, I think this'd be better if you dropped the "Miharu" from it. It's kinda inferred anyways.
05:29 - "However, I made a decision to kill as a Nabari ninja."
05:51 - Line doesn't make any sense, andI have no idea what it's supposed to be
06:00 - This entire line needs to be reconstructed. "I was trying to tell you earlier that, besides the guards, they had both Yoite and another Kairoushuu too." Or something like that. The way it is now is beyond awkward.
06:08 - Oh come on, "I can't open my eyes." makes perfect sense. Next one is "Take him out of here!" Next line needs a comma after "me"
06:17 - Should that be "thankful OF us"? I'm not sure
06:42 - "isn't" -> "aren't"
06:51 - This one might be cutable at the scene change
09:37 - End it a bit earlier
09:47 - "we gave" -> "was given to"
10:26 - Add ... after "own sins" And cut it off at the scene change
14:08 - Is "is" correct? Or should it be "are"? Check with an editor
15:21 - "Please, help me." makes a whole lot more sense than the "I beg you." >_>
15:29 - "tired" -> "tired"
15:30 - Don't you need a "my" somewhere? Or something?
16:05 - "you" -> "your"
16:56 - beforehand is one word
17:50 - Rofl, the timing is SO screwed up right here.
18:19 - Add stutter to this line
19:59 - Is the verb right? Not sure on this one either
20:56 - Missing a subject